#67 Reddit Story: Parents of live-in adult children struggling with addiction - how do you cope?

I share my perspective on how to cope with a loved one's addiction, emphasizing the importance of setting boundaries.

Transcript

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Welcome back to the unbreakable boundaries podcast with your host myself, Jennifer Maneely. It is been a little while since I have last posted a podcast, that guy just needed a little bit of a break some focus, figure out, once again, you know, where do I want to go? What direction do I want to take this podcast into, and I started doing something a little newer, I have it started on my YouTube channel, which if you are into YouTube, you can go check out. It's the unbreakable boundaries channel, I think you can just search for that channel, and it should pop up. And what I started doing is reading some of the Reddit stories that I came across, I listened to a lot of the other YouTubers and stuff, reading off these stories, and I get so interested in. But it got me thinking though, what a great way to kind of listen to someone's story, maybe provide a little bit of insights based on the information that they're given me, because I'm sure that a lot of the stories that I picked are pretty common examples of what happens when you have a loved one with substance abuse issues. It's also like, hey, we don't really have to feel so alone in this, you're not the only one dealing with this. There's whole Reddit what do they call them threads and stuff. And it's just it, I just thought it would be a cool way to present information a little bit differently. So that's what we're gonna start doing for a little while here, at the very least until I probably need to take another break at some point and see what's next. And what's new. So, in today's story, the title is parents of live in adult children struggle struggling with addiction, how do you cope? What a great place to start with, because I know that this is something that is such a struggle. And my first reaction just to the title to nothing else is, you know, I am I pretty much when I'm working with families and stuff, I really steer clear of giving any sort of advice or telling people, what boundaries they need to be setting, and all of that. But there is one thing that I am pretty clear about when it comes to having a loved one with substance abuse issues. And what is one of the boundaries to just kind of start with and that is, for me, personally, I don't think it's ever a good option to let the child come back home to live in with the parents under these circumstances. And I'll tell you all the reasons why as we continue to unfold this story. So I want to read a little bit of this story. And I'll go into a little bit more detail about why that is no, I'm not just being an ass or anything like that. I just, it'll make sense. It'll make sense. So here's the story. My only son has dealt with addiction since he was 17. He left home of his own volition days before his 18th birthday and has come back home twice at 19 and 21 after stints at rehab. The second and most recent time, he spent 10 months in treatment beforehand in detox rehab and then at a sober living facility doing PHP, which is partial hospitalization and IOP, which is intensive outpatient. In both instances, he was clean for about two months after coming home, at which point the relapses became more and more frequent, until they became common behavior after a particularly destructive bout of in sobriety. Recently, I warned him that living here was an opportunity to get his life together. It was not a safety net to navigate the waters of finding acceptable levels of intake for quote, functioning addiction. If he chose to continue taking drugs, he would need to move out and pave his own way. That was three weeks ago and he he's been called out on and admitted to being high on drugs for the last two nights. I've reached the end of my tolerance for the situation. And the consequences of continued drug use have been made clear the entire time he's been home continue doing drugs I will no longer subsidize his lifestyle. I feel awful about the whole situation. I don't like either avenue I see available to us. I don't think he's ready to stand on his own two feet. But staying here with parental subsidies clearly isn't helping him. He is using our support to get bummed out of his mind instead of working towards self sufficiency. Redditors, have you dealt with adult children struggling with addiction? How did it go? How would you proceed in this position? So back to what I was kind of saying about why I don't really particularly think it's necessarily a great idea to have your loved one come and live with you. under circumstances like this, it's your we're inviting, like unhealthy people that don't have a lot of coping skills to deal with life into our house. And on the best of circumstances, the very best of circumstances, it's still really challenging to have an adult like parent, living with their adult kid, because that adult kid will naturally have a tendency to kind of go back into that childlike state, it's so hard to adult under your parents roof. And it's almost impossible not to parent, your adult kid under these circumstances, and so it can, those dynamics can be very, very challenging, under the best of circumstances, and we're not talking about the best of circumstances here. Now, there's so many reasons why parents allow their kids to come live with them, right? They believe that there are there is no other option and their kid is going to go be homeless. And in some cases, that may be true. In most cases, though, there are plenty of other resources out there that kids will also adults can go to. The problem is, is they don't want to do it. They all want to do and live up to all of the structure and the rules that a lot of places have, when it comes to you know, living in, like some sort of sober house or like a column Oxford houses, which are like three quarters, houses all of these transitional houses, out of rehab, and they just don't want to do it. But here's the thing. They don't want to do it, because they don't want to live in the structure. And they think they can get away with more living with their parents. I mean, that's the trick of it, right? So it's just a really challenging, dynamic. And it's like, there are other options available to them. And those are probably going to be the better options in the long term, even if they don't want to do it in the short term for both the parents sanity, and quite frankly, the kids sanity as well, because it's, it's just really hard to start learning how to have these coping skills under your parents roof as well. It just adds such a complicated dynamic that it ends up being. And like this post said, he left home on his own volition before his 18th birthday, and has come back home twice, at 19. And at 21. After since that rehab, the second most recent time, he spent 10 months in treatment beforehand. That means he knows what to do. He has enough information, and he's making a choice to not do what he needs to do for his sobriety. And then we end up in the situation that this this poor mom, I'm assuming, I'm assuming it's a mom, there's no gender identifying here. So just the way that it's written, it kind of sounds like it's, it's more than likely a mom. Um, so then, let's see, now she's stuck. Or these parents I'll just say these parents are now stuck in a situation where they're having to make a choice of do I put my kid out on the street, which he wouldn't have to go out on the street and this is the thing is a lot of times parents often assume that that's the option that they're there's kids are gonna go live in the gutter somewhere on the street. They can't they just can't do that to him, but they have other choices. One of the things things that I do recommend for parents in these situations that if we do get to the point where maybe let's say they're already living with you say, like you, you haven't met me yet, they're already living with you. And you're kind of in this situation. Well, what I usually recommend is that the kid and you know, whenever I say kid, I really mean this adult, this adult, child, kid, your loved one. If you're there already in the home, one of the great places to start is put an end date on how long they can stay there, I usually recommend 30 days, if they don't have a job, and they haven't been saving money and they're at zero, well, then they have other options, it may not be the options that they want, like, they may not be able to go and find their own place somewhere, and get everything that they want. Right. But this isn't about what they want. This isn't about how they want to live their life. This is about what they need in their life. And sometimes they need a little bit of a push to get out and start fending for themselves and figure out their own ways of doing things that doesn't involve their parents. And in the short term, they may have to suck it up and go into some sort of recovery community, a transition house find roommates, it, you know, it's up to them, especially with someone that has already been to rehab twice, has spent 10 months in treatment before. This is someone that has, has met enough people and understands the way of how recovery works, that he could go and find a house to go stay in, that's a safe place for him if that is what he chooses. A lot of times people don't want to do that, though, because they want to continue getting high, or drinking or whatever it is they want to continue that behavior. And I think this parent here is really wise and I and I hope I don't know what ended up happening. But I hope that this person stood by the mindset that said, I will no longer subsidize his lifestyle. And I feel for this parent, when this parent says I don't like either avenue I see available to us, I don't think he's ready to stand on his own two feet. But staying here with parental subsidies clearly isn't helping him. I think that's a really wise statement, it clearly isn't helping him. I don't think he's ready to stand on his own two feet, here's here's the rub of it is the only way they get ready to stand on their own two feet, is to go and stand on their own two feet. It's the only way as long as the parent is kind of interfering. And making it a softer, easier approach or taking care of them in some way. I like what she says subsidizing the lifestyle. As long as the parent is subsidizing the lifestyle that allows them to continue doing and living the life that they want. That's the life that they're going to go do this is just going to continue to be a cycle over and over and over again. And if if your loved one is trying to convince you that they're going to be homeless and out on the street, they're only going to be homeless and out on the street, because they choose to be homeless and out on the street because of their lifestyle choices. And I want to say that word again, their lifestyle choices, their choice choosing to go live on the street, if they end up living on the street, and that's a really hard one for parents to kind of get their heads wrapped around and a lot of this comes from maybe some guilt and shame that the parent may be holding on to maybe they are taking some sort of unconscious responsibility for their loved one Is life and they feel like it's their responsibility to fix it. We are not always thinking logically like, logically I get it like, like, we know that this is not, you know, the parents fault. But sometimes the unconscious guilt and shame kind of creep up, I just kind of want to go through and read some of these comments that were had. Here's one, your post is very relatable to me because long story short, my 27 older brother 37, who is recovered, alcoholic, drug addicts schizophrenic lives at home with our dad. And my mom, we went through a lot of periods of what you're going through with your son. And unfortunately for us, it took him being forced into a mental hospital to get sober and get help. It's a horrible thing to send your kid away. But are there any local services that can help him find subsidizing housing, or some sort of group he could go find some help from? Now? Oh, P commented back to this one. And I think this was a really interesting comment. Oh, P stands for original poster. They are always long stories, right. This isn't the half of the last four years worth of dramatics. I believe that. Unfortunately, I don't know of any subsidized housing options available for single adult men in my area, my son has had four stays at inpatient psychiatric facilities. In his many years in our experience, they drag him heavily through his time there and release him with minimal support structure, once the insurance coverage runs out, he did best in the long term rehab and outpatient care. But he is not willing to do that again. And at his age, I cannot force it. If anyone is aware of suitable group homes in Atlanta area, I am all ears. Now I can tell you that Atlanta has a lot of resources available. Or even if he has to temporarily move out and go find somewhere else. That's always an option. And I want to I want to just say this, again, he did best in the long term rehab and outpatient care. But he is not willing to do that. Again. I just want to say that this is a choice. So the place that he did the best at he didn't want to go through all that his willingness isn't there. That means that the struggle that he needs to get there. Ah, the cop, there's someone that commented on that, too. So I'm not in Atlanta, I'm in Alabama, but I run a homeless shelter, and housing agency and see lots of people that come through that are in the same situation. If he ends up homeless, he may qualify for a couple of different programs, like Rapid Rehousing or permanent supportive housing. I know it sounds tough. But sometimes hitting rock bottom is the only way people truly can start recovering. It can be really hard with dual diagnosis, but there is help out there. What I want to say, you know with that is it's the struggle that makes people desperate enough to do the things that they need to do and become willing. Because when you're desperate enough, you'll start doing a thing, including going into places that at one point seemed to be doing well, but then the journey stopped. As for whatever reason it doesn't really it's not very clear why he stopped the long term stuff. Maybe he just transitioned out and then went back to his old ways. And because maybe he needed a little bit of a different transition. Maybe he wasn't scared enough, maybe whatever it was, right? We don't we don't know. But I think you know, it's really important to understand that sometimes being homeless and left out on, you know, to be put out on the street, so to speak, is the struggle that someone needs to say, I don't want to do this anymore. This can't be my life. I don't want to do this and living in the parents house even if it's not ideal. It's still going to allow them to live to comfortably. Oh, I don't want to do this. Oh, no, that's not gonna work for me or whatever. And all the meantime, the parents sort of left with the consequences of this person's behavior, and not just their person's behavior, but the lack of willingness to do something different. The parents are now sitting in a situation in which they have to deal with the lack of willingness to be out on their own two feet. Right? Because that's all that is. They are choosing not to stand on their own two feet. And it's, that's, that's what that's the case that we're dealing with here. Here's a another comment, which I found really interesting. And I'm going to kind of just put my own two cents on this on this comment, because I have some thoughts. My other brother was an addict for a long time stayed with my parents until he was 26. He got thrown out and was forced to find help took a while, but he maintained the sober path after finding God and a support group. I was also an addict until I was 24. Bad teenage years and years of trauma kept me wanted to be effed up out of my mind to not have to deal with reality, every situation is different. I know it sucks. But if you can try and find the cause of why he enjoys drugs, it'll help you to support him to get away from it. If you push too hard, you're just going to make his habit worse. Because added stress to someone who is already having big issues won't help at all just my two cents. But a lot of parents mind specifically didn't try to find out why they just said don't do it, or you gotta go. So I do definitely have a couple of thoughts. Now I'm in recovery myself, right? I don't know how long this person has been in recovery. But I'm in recovery, myself, and I just have a little bit of a different, just a different perspective. I'm not saying that this person is right, I'm not saying this person is wrong. I don't think that it's good for parents to always like, feel like they have to tiptoe. Stress is a part of life, like we have to deal with our stuff. And we have to start creating coping mechanisms to deal with the stress that life brings us. So when whenever I hear someone says, saying something about, like, Oh, don't put any added stress, like so you're just going to make it easier and softer for them to continue subsidizing their lifestyle, when they're making bad choices. So they're stressing themselves out by making the decisions that they're making. And so I don't find that to be necessarily accurate, right? Like, I don't think just making it easier and softer. And in kind of supporting the lifestyle, so to speak, is ever really a good idea. I think sometimes stress is kind of necessary, because they need to, they need to, they need to get their stuff together. You know, to put it bluntly, they just need to get their shit together. And sometimes they need a little bit of a push, even if it's uncomfortable, but it's the uncomfortable desperate, the Hard Knocks that that makes them start becoming willing to do the things that they need to do. So that's one of the things that I wanted to address. And nor do I think that it's the parents responsibility to find out the cause of why he enjoys drugs, here's the deal, I would have to be quite frank with this. Drugs, feels good. Life, sometimes doesn't feel good. Drugs can make the life that doesn't feel good, feel better. That's why we use drugs. I mean, it's that simple. So now, what is he running from? What is he hiding from? There's always going to be that with with whatever person that has turned to drugs or alcohol. I think we have common knowledge that they're running from something they're hiding from themselves and all that the only person's responsibility to figure out what that is, is the person that is doing the substances. I don't think it was my like my mom's job to figure out why I was doing drugs and then to try to support me I think she did the best that she could I think that You know, they, I had some things happen. And growing up, I had to go to the therapies and I had to go do all of these things. And I think she really tried. But I think at the end of the day, that came to me, and that's been a journey in and of itself for me in recovery, where I'm trying to heal myself to figure that out, not while I was still using not not, then that's the port, that's kind of the point of the recovery is, uh, you know, kind of go figure out why and sometimes, you know, what, there's just a lot of reasons why there's not like a pinpoint, I think there's sometimes this belief that if I just understood why they were doing this, then I could somehow tackle this, this thing, and remove it and fix it and solve it. Like, if I just understood the problem, I could figure out a solution, and then it wouldn't be a problem anymore. And with a lot of things, oops, sorry, I hit my microphone, if you heard that, with a lot of things. That works, we have a problem, we come up with a solution. And everything is solved, right? Addiction does not run like that. Unfortunately, I wish that it did, because it would have made my life a whole lot easier. But it doesn't work like that, if this is not a problem that once we figure out really what the root of the problem is, and then we can tackle the solution. So that's something else that I kind of was like, This is my two cents. Again, I've I'm wrong a lot, I'll be honest with you, this is just the way that I am viewing this the way that I've learned how to kind of measure this my two cents, right? Someone else is going to have a very different opinion than me. But it is an opinion based on a lot of experience not only for myself, but also in you know, because I mentor a lot of people as well. I mentor a lot of people that are in recovery, as well as I work with a lot of families. So I can kind of see both sides of things for sure. And one of the things that I'm very clear out about working with both of them is that this is not on the parents responsibility. It doesn't mean that parents can't support and help in other ways. But it's it's what is the parents responsibility and what is the recovering or the addicts you know, responsibility in all of this. So it's, it's very different. And I that was my post for today. I am very excited to continue sharing, I have some great future posts lined up including things from Ai TA, which is anyone that is a redditor very popular threads. It's mid aihole course they say the s s but mid aihole is a very popular thread and I've pulled some from that thread for the art my future posts. My next one will be something in the AI ta Reddit thread, which is always very interesting to me. It's one of my favorites. So I'm really looking forward to sharing that with you guys in our next podcast together. Thank you for listening to this podcast. If you want to listen to more or find more information out about this podcast and more of what I do to help families you can go check out my page at unbreakable boundaries podcast.com. It's full of other great podcasts just like this one and other great resources to look through. You can also check out my main website which is Maneely consulting.com. Maneely is spelled ma N e L ey consulting.com. You can also see all the other things that I do to help families that have loved ones with substance abuse issues. And please remember to share this podcast with others. You never know who may need to hear this people are often hiding their battles in this arena. And sharing is a great way to provide this valuable resource to a person you may not even know who needs it. And don't forget there is always hope even when things seem the most hopeless