The Unbreakable Boundaries Podcast

#71: Announcing The Recovering Family and the 5 Principles

• Jennifer Maneely • Season 2 • Episode 71

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In this podcast, Jen announces the rebranding of her podcast from Maneely Consulting to The Recovering Family, focusing on helping families with substance abuse issues. She outlines five principles for creating unbreakable boundaries: the Exchange Principle, emphasizing equal exchanges in financial, time, and energy; the Action Principle, stressing the importance of actions over words; the Present Principle, urging focus on the here and now; the Love Principle, advocating for loving communication; and the Joy Principle, highlighting the need for self-care and joy. She also promotes her nonprofit's donation-based services and encourages listeners to visit therecoveringfamily.org for more information.

Jen:

Welcome back to the unbreakable boundaries podcast with your host, myself, Jennifer Maneely, in today's episode, this is going to be a really brief episode, mostly because all I wanted to do was make a little bit of announcement and tell you what's getting ready to come up moving forward. So in the past, all of my episodes have kind of linked back to my company called Maneely Consulting, which is where I work with families that have loved ones with substance abuse issues. Well, starting this year, earlier in this year, I actually opened my own nonprofit doing the exact same thing, just under a nonprofit called the recovering family. And then I had a little bit of angst, and I'm just giving you a little bit of the backstory, because I think transparency is amazing, and I love when people are just real and authentic. And for a while, I spent some time really just angsting over what I was going to do about the podcast, because it's all branded for Maneely Consulting, and so how was I supposed to make that transition? There was so many good interviews that I did for the podcast, so much good content, I didn't want to just feel like I had to start over, because that seemed exhausting to me, and I didn't want to lose the content in which has been created. So I was like, You know what? I am just going to actually just rebrand everything and turn it into the recovering family and keep the name the unbreakable boundaries, because the unbreakable boundaries really is about the five principles that I use when I'm working with families. So in terms of the content and the style of the content, there might be some changes. I hope to actually do a little bit more where I'm going through some of these principles, some of the ideas. And just so you know, because I haven't really explicitly, even in the past, with this podcast, kind of gone through those five principles of what I call creating unbreakable boundaries. And so I thought that could be a good place to start with this podcast where I just touch on those five principles. Now, the five principles is really designed to also be worked with someone like myself, just because there's is a lot of accountability and a lot of looking at our own patterns. And as we know about patterns, when we're in them, sometimes it's really hard for us to see them. So it's really good to have a third party come in and kind of have us highlight our own patterns, because when we're stuck in them, we're pretty stuck in them. And so the unbreakable boundaries really is about breaking free of these patterns that we find ourselves in. So the first principle is what I call the Exchange Principle. And this is really looking at three different categories, financial, time and energy. And the gist of this is, how do we create an equal exchange in everything that we do, it can have a whole lot to do with the situation that you find yourself in. If you have a loved one with substance abuse issue and they're constantly asking you for something, but it can go much bigger than that, right? You can look at your time and energy in all aspects of your life, whether it's work, whether it's at work, whether it's in other types of relationships, your friendships, whatever it is, especially if you feel like so many people are asking so many things of you, and you're like, I'm exhausted. I can't do this anymore, but yet you keep saying, Yes, right? So this is a great thing to really pay attention to, which is what, again, what I call the Exchange Principle, is, is, how do we create an equal exchange? So it's not just us giving everything to someone else, and that can happen a lot when we do have loved ones with substance abuse issues, where it's like we're just giving a whole lot of all of the things that I listed, the financial the money piece, the the the time piece, as well as so much of our energy, and they're just taking, taking, taking, taking, and we don't ever get any anything in return. So how do we create that equal exchange? So let me just give you a scenario, just so you can kind of understand a little bit how this works. On there's so many times where I get hit up on Facebook for people needing money, maybe not even on Facebook maybe, you know, they text me friends I haven't maybe I haven't even talked to them in a long time, and all of a sudden I get this random text or this random Facebook message that's like, Hey, I have really. Struggling, they give me some sob story about, you know, what's going on in their life? I've really been struggling lately. I don't have any food. Is there any way that maybe you can send me some money? Now, a lot of times I haven't talked to this person, or I happen to know that they have been struggling with substances lately. And one thing that I don't want to do is just give them money, you know, for them to use on substances, like I know that they're probably going to do, but I don't want to be a person that denies someone help when they actually really need it, so I don't ever want to be that person, either. So where do we find this, this place that we can come to in ourselves, where we are able to both help people that really, truly need it, because I don't ever want anybody to starve, but also, I don't want to help someone feed their own addiction, either. So I usually will make people jump through some hoops before I give them any money. I try to create so like, if it's someone in the area, I may go ask them to meet me down at the car wash, and they can, like, wash my car. And I can go to one of the car washes where you actually have to, like, put the quarters in and scrub your car down or whatever. And maybe I, maybe I want them to, like, vacuum the inside of the car out or whatever. And but they can do all of that work for themselves, and I will give them X amount of dollars for however long that they do or something like that, right? So, like, that's just an example of of how can I ask them to do something for me so that I am paying for a service of some kind, right? So what they choose to do with the money at that point is, is no longer my business. It's I am paying them for a service. There is an exchange they worked for it. Now I will tell you that I have yet to have people in this situation who fed me this sob story, and I wanted to give them, you know, a chance, an offering. I have not found people take me up on this because I know that that's probably what's going on in your head, is, is like, well, maybe I don't want to do that, or maybe that's not a good exchange, or maybe they're not in the area, or whatever. Well, I just kind of want to see one where their mindset is at first, it's they're even willing to entertain an exchange so that I can pay for a service. Now, here's the trick of this as well. If I cannot create a good exchange with someone, a reasonable exchange. Maybe it's just not possible. Maybe they're not in the area. Maybe there is not a service that they can provide for me. I can offer other suggestions for the ways for them to get food. So in every town that I've I have lived in, or I know about there's always some sort of resource available for people. It could be through churches. Many, many churches have food pantries. And I don't know of a church that, if you went up to them and said, Hey, I'm really hungry. I'm starving. I need food for my kids, or whatever it is that they wouldn't figure out how to get you some food, right? So there is always that option where, if someone is is asking for food, and the reason that I am leaning on the food part of this is because many times when people are trying to get substances they will often use the I'm starving, I have no food, I have no whatever, because all they really need is, like, 5075, bucks or something to go get. It's not like they're missing out on their rent. They're not asking for rent payments. They're asking for food because they know that typically people don't deny them access to food. And so if I can't create an equal exchange, I might offer some suggestions on the best ways for them to go get some food without me actually giving them money. I'm just not. I'm just not in the in the practice of doing that, because I've been I have been burned quite a few times. So all of this, I'm telling you, is coming based on my experience of what happens and all of the times that I have been burned. And. And how sometimes when I've been burned, that kind of makes me a little jaded in terms of wanting to help people, but I don't want to also be that person, so I had to find a way within myself to to be able to offer help when someone really needed it without also getting taken advantage of. So this was just, you know, a pretty simple way that I have found for myself to kind of have people jump through some hoops and to create an exchange with people, to limit the amount of times that I get taken advantage of. When we look at time and energy, they kind of go a little hand in hand, because sometimes there's, like, a lot of situations in which people are asking for so much time. Can you give me a ride here? Can you do this? And it's all just me putting in so much more effort than what they are willing to put in themselves. And so this is the other thing that I look at. How much willingness does someone else have for themselves to put energy into themselves. So if I'm putting more energy into a person, then I feel like they are putting more energy. So if I'm just doing all the heavy lifting, I got to take a step back and realize that maybe that's not the best way to go about things. So I I look at my time, and I'm like, I don't want to spend all of this time. What, like, what can you do for me? So like, I don't mind giving people rides every now and then, if it makes sense for me, if I'm in town and they really need it, but I am not going to create a pattern of giving people rides. So like, if, if you might be a person that people just come to all the time consistently and asking for rise, and you're like, I gotta stop this shit. Yeah, yeah, you do, because that's a whole lot of that's a whole lot of time for not a whole lot of return, right? So again, like, I can start asking people to do things for me as well. Sure, I'll give you a ride if you do X, Y and Z for me as well. Most of the time, people, if they really are wanting to return the favor and they're not taking advantage of you, they will jump on the opportunity to also help you out as well. And if they are just not interested in helping you out, and they just want to keep taking advantage of you and creating a one side sided street here, then they will often not take you up on them doing a favor for you, right? So we want to start having ways for people to jump through hoops and creating some sort of an equal exchange, so that it's just not you always giving everything out. And the same goes with energy too. We're going to talk about this here in a little bit when I get to another principle towards the end. But the energy is really, really important. So whenever we're we are putting energy out, we have to find ways to bring that energy back in. And so this is a lot about taking care of ourselves and our self care routines. And what are we doing to not spend so much energy on people? And when we do, how do we bring that back in? Which, again, I'm going to talk about a little bit more in depth when we get to the last principle that I talk about, which is called The Joy principle. Now the next principle that I want to talk about is what I call the action principle. So this is really about understanding that people cannot hear the words that come out of your mouth. They can only understand the actions that you take behind the things that you say, and that, again, that goes with anybody, right? So when we say, actions speak louder than words. That's what we're talking about. But we're talking about it, not in such a like we can acknowledge that. But do we really think about when we're saying things? What are our own actions? Right? We're so busy paying attention to that saying when it comes to someone else, that we don't really reflect and think about it for ourselves in terms of the things that we say and do matter, you know, like the things that, if you're telling someone that you're going to do something and then you don't do it right, then it's teaching them maybe they can get away with it. I was, I was just recently talking to someone, which is, this is a very common example where they're like, hey, you know, I said I set this boundary, and then I went back on it, right? And it's like, well, that's where we start teaching them that they can get away, that they don't really, actually have to listen to our boundaries, because it's not the words that you're saying to them, it's the actual action. That you're putting in. And so sometimes when we set boundaries, a not clear boundary is a boundary that has zero action. There's nothing really like you're just telling someone else what to do. Hey, you can't do this anymore. Well, that's not, yes, it's a boundary, but it's not one that people are going to probably take very seriously because there's no action behind it, and we're trying to control someone else's behavior, right? Which we can't do. We can't control someone else's behavior. I would love to sit here and say that there's all these things that you can say and do to try to control someone's behavior, and I I would be a lot better off in my business if I could tell you the the phrase to say that would make someone listen to you and do what you tell them to do. It's just not going to happen. So the action principle is really about making sure that we have actions. So you know, you can say something like, Hey, if you continue to do this, then I'm going to do, you know that I'm going to do Y. So if you do X, I'm going to do y, and then you actually have to do Y, right? So when we're setting boundaries and we're being very clear. You know, things have to kind of be set in such a way that that people can understand there's time frames are really good as well. So when you're thinking about boundaries, how long does someone have to to meet the expectations? People do better when they know what to expect. And so I think, like when it comes to the the action principle, this is where people you can really be clear about what they can expect from you and the behaviors that they can expect from you. Everything we say and do, we're teaching people how to treat us, so be mindful of the things that you say and you do or don't do right? The next principle is a fairly deep and intense this is the journey. This is the lifelong stuff. This is the stuff that your work really starts. You start investing a lot in your personal journey, your personal work. And it's called the present principle, and by present I mean being in the here and the now. So we can't allow our past to dictate and get in the way of the decisions that we have to make today. Nor can we allow the fear of the future to to control how we're making decisions for the here and the now, because when we're looking at future and we're worried about the future, we're worried about scenarios that aren't actually happening, we're not basing our decisions in reality. We're basing our decisions in fear. And people can often come back to me and say, Yeah, but I know exactly how they're going to act. I know exactly what's going to get, what's going to happen, and I'm just preemptively responding, well, no, you're you're afraid that that's how they're going to act. You're afraid that that's how it's going to go down. But we don't know that. We have to look at the situation in the here and the now and the same with the past, right? So maybe you grew up in a certain way. Maybe you were taught a certain thing. Maybe you have a belief system created from when you were a child about how to feel about certain things. Maybe you grew up with a father, a mother, a brother, a sister that had substances in your life, and you're basing decisions around your own family and your own kids now based on what you've experienced in the past and the way that you interpreted what you experienced in the past. So now we're here, and I'm not saying that it can't be educational, because, like, our experience gives us education to help us form decisions, but when we are sometimes, our past can actually interfere with the decisions that we have to make today. So there's a difference between, you know, allowing our past to interfere with the decisions that we know we need to make, versus allowing our experience to create wiser decisions. Sometimes that's not always very clear. So the question is is, how are we letting our past interfere with the decisions, and then also, how are we letting the fear of the future dictate the decisions that we need to make now, that we may be afraid of because we're worried about the outcome that hasn't even happened yet, or the scenario in which isn't even in existence, because we're just afraid of this scenario, but we know we need to. At that boundary, we're just too afraid to do it, because we are afraid of what's going to happen. And so we have to really look at that fear. And that's the present principle is, how do we stay in the here and then now? Now? The next principle is the love principle, and this is really all about cultivating and generating loving communication with our loved one. Because, man, I know that they have spent years just pissing you off and doing really stupid shitty things, and there's a lot of anger in there. And as there has every right, you have every right to be angry about some of the things that they done, as well as be fearful about the things that they're going to do, or, you know, who they're capable of, and all all of that stuff. So how, when we communicate, how do we remain loving, how do we remain in in a way that's in alignment with how we want to actually show up and treat them, and the reason for this is really because we can't spend so much time and energy releasing our anger on them, not that they don't deserve it, because I know they do, but It's not helpful. And what we want is doing things that are helpful, and how do we communicate our expectations in a very clear and loving way? Hey, I believe in you. I trust that you can do this. I am not kicking you out of the house. I am honoring the decision that you're making to leave because you did not want to abide by the rules in under which we had stated in which you can live in this house, right? So we look at loving language, language that does not hit on their own, already in existence shame spiral, right? So we don't want to fuel their shame spiral anymore, and we want to be helpful, and we want to be beneficial. And so when we go into our angry place, and when we go into our place in which, you know, we're mostly begging them to hear us, which they can't they can't hear us, right? We're asking them to give us something that they can't give us, and then getting mad at them when they can't give us the thing that they don't have to give us. Does that make sense? But what we want is to make sure that we are helping them and we can heal the damage that has been caused in our relationships from all of the stuff that they've done in the future. Now this, this is where it's like, I don't know any parent that gets to the point where they want to cut their kid off, right? But sometimes that feels like the only other option they have. And I'm here to tell you that we don't have to allow things to get to that point when we start creating this loving communication with them that honors them, but that does not allow them certain behaviors in your life anymore, right? So we reject behaviors. We don't ever reject the person, because their behaviors does not mean that's who they are, and that's something that we have to be very clear. And when we're able to separate the people from their behaviors and start communicating in that way where we are again we are rejecting that behavior, then our language can align and be in alignment with serving them, and also be in alignment with who we want to be as people that we care about and how we want to handle that we just don't have to allow certain things in our lives, and we can also be very clear about that, and they may get mad, they may get frustrated, and they may get into that manipulative state of being where it's mostly just them trying to figure out how to get what they want, and so angry and stuff. So people often get angry, not because they're really angry, but because they know that that's the button that they need to push in order to get what they want. So when it comes to loving communication, we also have to have loving communication when it comes to ourselves as well, when it comes to how we are thinking about ourselves, how we are talking about ourselves. We want to stay in that loving place for ourselves, and we want to look at our own shame and our own guilt. And how do we look at that so that it's not dictating in this? Kind of goes back a little bit into being in the present, or back into the present principle, which is really looking at our shame and our guilt and making sure that the people that we care about and the people we're trying to help are actually able to use that and weaponize that against us. Right. Language matters if you don't take anything else away from this podcast today, I want you to take that one thing, language matters. Now the last principle I want to talk about is what I call the joy principle. And this is really about making sure that we are paying attention to how much joy that we have in our own lives. Joy is something that I think is often minimized and it's put to the side when we are going through so many rough things, if we're going through depression or we're going through anxiety, we put ourselves to the side a lot when other people around us are struggling, and it's to me, it's actually the opposite of what we need to be doing when we are struggling or someone else in our life is struggling. We have to spend more time bringing in joy and being conscious and being mindful about ensuring that we are taking care of ourselves through that time period when we have someone else, because it's so easy to feel like we don't deserve joy. We don't need to be worried about ourselves right now. We have to worry about someone else, but if we want to be the person that they need us to be and this goes for any situation. I'm not just talking about having a family member with substance abuse issues. I'm talking about in any situation you have a sick parent, you have a sick kid, you have, you know, something going on with another friend, you are allowed to have a multitude of emotions at any one given time, so you can both feel upset and sad for whatever someone else is going through, while also taking care of yourself in the process and bringing joy into your life, because that is going to make you a better person for them, and I want you to remember that it's going to make you a better, stronger person for them, and it's going to make you feel better in the meantime, this is a crucial, probably one of the more crucial principles of all of them, because it all ties in. You can't do a whole lot of the other principles as effectively if you don't have joy in your life. So self care is important, and yes, things like getting massages and getting acupuncture, that is part of self care, right? It's a great thing, but making sure that you're feeling your cup, that you are feeling joy like you are, that sense of like overwhelming, like, I'm just so happy, even if it's just for two minutes, even if it's just even 60 seconds, finding something, turning on, Some music, and dancing your full little head off. This is one of my personal favorite things to do. Turn on some good music, dance like a crazy woman and just be in the moment. It's something that

Unknown:

brings me back to center, brings me peace, makes me

Jen:

feel good, makes the world feel not so stressful, right? So sometimes we can get just so stressed out that it just starts spiraling. All of that anxiety can just really feed off of each other and like it's not a good thing. So we have to figure out how to balance the anxiety. Of our lives with also bringing in the joy. This is also why I look at like the Exchange Principle, right? So whenever we have a lot of anxiety going on, we need to bring just as much joy into our lives. This is I cannot express and articulate in words how important it is to be mindful and allow yourself, give yourself permission to be happy, even if in other areas of your life you are unhappy, there needs to be a balance, and give yourself permission to do that, to have that, to be that. So those are the five principles of the unbreakable boundaries in which I. Really never articulated in this podcast, in in how do we go about living a boundaries lifestyle when we have a loved one, substance abuse issues or just in general, and keeping in mind that these are all things that I have I have learned through experience. I've been there. These are the things that I have to do in order to take care of myself. And it's an ongoing journey. And so I'm not gonna sit here and say I'm perfect, but when something goes on that maybe like I did something that I look back and go, ooh. Was that in alignment with one of these five principles? What was I missing? Hindsight, being 2020, if I could do it all over again, this is the way that I would do it. This is a reflection. So creating unbreakable boundaries is more about not so much task oriented, but about a lifestyle. It's about being aware. It's about figuring out how you see the world and thinking differently, and starting to recognize patterns, starting to pay attention to when we fall short, and being willing to take a look at it and do something different in the future. Because that's what this is about, is about being willing to do something different, so if you want to know more. And this is where, again, this is my first podcast where I'm actually looking at, you know, my nonprofit and kind of sharing about that you can if you want to learn more and understand the services that we provide, you can go check out my website at the recovering family.org and on there, you will see that all of our services are donation based services, which I think is amazing, so anyone can afford it. That was a crucial piece to me. Also on there, if you are someone that can and you're like, Man, I just love what you're doing, and you want to give a donation to help supplement and pay for some of these services that other people can't afford, there is a little donation spot that you can make a donation all 100% of the donations that are received goes directly into the services that we offer. So anyway, I am super proud of the the work that the nonprofit and this organization does, and I really hope that you want to be a part of it in any way, shape or form, whether it's donation, whether you're someone that does have a family member that has loved ones with substance abuse issues and you need help, I would love for you to reach out and just figure out how to handle the situation, Whether it's one call that you need, if you're just like, I just need someone to talk to, or if you're like, I'm ready to actually dive in and do some things differently and change my life. I can't keep living like this anymore, and you want to set up a more long term kind of situation with us. We can definitely work with you. The greatest thing is that all of our services are also virtual, so we can work with people from all over, from everywhere. There's even a little box on my website that you can literally just schedule a call all on your own. And again, that website is the recoveringfamily.org so go check that website out and see all of the cool things that we have on there. We also do blogs. I spend a lot of time writing blogs as well as some video content, so you should definitely check some of that stuff out as well. So I hope everyone has a great rest of their day and until the next podcast, get out there and go create some unbreakable boundaries. You.